As the temperature rises and the sun graces us with its warmth, many of us dive into the age-old tradition of spring cleaning, bidding farewell to the remnants of winter and making room for the freshness of spring and new beginnings. But, from where I sit, spring cleaning isn't just about dusting off shelves and organizing closets; it's also an opportunity to declutter the mind and sweep away the sticky cobwebs of our thoughts, habits and emotions that no longer serve us, and start anew. Just as we tidy up our living spaces, relationships benefit from a little sprucing up, too. We need to recognize the mental congestion that accumulates – like those pesky misunderstandings and deep-seated resentments, and let’s not forget the disguised "I'm-fine-but-not-really" moments, right? Sound familiar? Like a cluttered attic, together we can clear away the neglected debris and make space for a fresher, more vibrant connection…if we aspire to!
In life, we often get lost in routines, trying to bring order to the ‘hustle 'n bustle’ of every day. Normal. But in this quest for balance, we might overlook the silent accumulation of mental clutter that shapes our thoughts and emotions. Life gets busy, and sooner than we realize we’re dealing with emotional dust bunnies and unspoken feelings. Picture it as dust settling in the corners of our minds. Over time, these layers of mental dust can dim our clarity and hinder our ability to navigate life together. We might even take it for granted that we don't need to check in with each other because we're too busy, allowing things to pile up between us. However, without intentional communication and quality time together, issues accumulate and emotional distance grows. Small disagreements go unresolved, unexpressed needs fester, and the intimacy we once shared begins to fade. That’s why a bit of spring cleaning, a chance for a redo, is a good idea. It clears out the emotional cobwebs and brings a fresh new perspective to our bond. I often tell my clients that when it comes to life and love, we don’t really see things as they are, rather we see things more as we are. Most of the time we aren’t even conscious of it. Our emotions shape our perception of reality. For example, if we're weighed down by sadness, the world may appear washed out, lacking the vibrancy it holds during happier times, while anxiety can make simple tasks seem so much more insurmountable. And simmering anger…well, that can cast a shadow on everything, tainting all of our perceptions and interactions. Our vulnerabilities, therefore, become the filter through which we perceive reality, often distorting it altogether. So, unless we're communicating openly, worries and stressors often act as invisible dust, clouding our vision. These unspoken tensions can create distance and diminish the vitality of our relationship. It’s only by embracing our feelings and fostering honest dialogue, that we may reduce the emotional clutter and rediscover the intimacy and closeness we desire. To kickstart your own mental spring cleaning, take a moment to think about these questions:
And once you've dusted off those thoughts, why not share them with your partner? It might just feel like a breath of fresh air! letstalkaboutlove.ca
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by lydia @letstalkaboutlove
For many people, Valentine’s Day arrives adorned in hues of love, but for the broken-hearted, it is only a poignant reminder of what once was. I frequently reassure my clients that it's okay to feel the ache, the longing, and the memories. After all, the wound of heartbreak is a profound form of grief and a universal human experience. More importantly, in the delicate dance of human emotions, heartbreak may also serve as an opening—an opportunity for both growth and healing. While they are intense teachers, suffering and loss also have the power to eliminate the unnecessary, bringing to the forefront the values and relationships that are most meaningful to us, and reminding us that, at heart, we are capable of forming close, loving relationships. Sometimes, it's only within the deep recesses of pain that we uncover our most crucial life lessons and gain a deeper understanding of ourselves. So, never fear this. Your pain is valid, and you are exactly where you need to be. The love you invested, the dreams you shared, and the vulnerability you offered were not in vain. They were brave expressions of your beautiful heart. Even unrequited love is never in vain. Please know that you will not be heartbroken forever. And, that with proper self-care, time can heal our wounds. Above all, the valuable lessons learned can last a lifetime. It's important to honour the depth of your emotions without judgment. Much of the healing or answers you seek will happen within the quiet, reflective spaces of your mind and soul, so pause and listen as you find your way. You are not defined by the ending; rather, you are shaped by the entirety of the journey. Recognize that your heart, though tender, is resilient. Your broken heart still beats. Each beat carries the rhythm of your experiences—a story of love, longing, loss, and, yes, even the beautiful, enduring spirit within you. Let this be your guide; let this process lead you to a life with more clarity and purpose. The time spent in contemplation is not just a hiatus from the world but a necessary period for healing and gaining insight. As you reflect on your experience, remember that self-love is not only a concept but also a practice- a daily commitment to your own well-being. Perhaps even at this moment you already realize that you have risen from pain with some wisdom. Perhaps you’ve discovered a well of empathy, as understanding the nature of your suffering may have likewise opened your heart to the pain of others. Continue to reach out and connect with others. Spend time with those who uplift and support you. In shared humanity we find solace. In the emotional mosaic of life and love, we are all stories of self-discovery, resilience, and strength. Trust in this. So, my dear reader, in the quiet moments of introspection, be patient and kind to yourself. The love that once graced your life, though changed, has left an indelible mark, for sure. Honour it, cherish the memories, and trust that within the folds of heartbreak, you are sculpting a masterpiece—a resilient, authentic, and beautifully awakened version of yourself. A Me 2.0! Transformation! This Valentine's Day follow your heart and hold space for the healing that needs to unfold. In doing so, you may find that the most intimate and profound connection is ultimately the one you cultivate with your own heart. Believe in this. Believe in your heart. Here are some reflection questions to consider:
Today is “Bell Let’s Talk Day”. While this day typically centers around human experiences and conversations, seldom do we delve into the impact our four-legged companions can have on mental well-being. Well, allow me to introduce you to Callie, my beloved Bernese Mountain dog, whose story once took an unexpected path, highlighting the unique role pets can regularly play in fostering emotional health. Before the pandemic, my mother-in-law moved into a nursing home, as she could no longer care for herself. It was right around the same time we adopted Callie. During one regular visit to her, we discovered that the residence welcomed dogs, as long as they were well-behaved dogs, allowing Callie to become an “unofficial” therapy dog. I must say that even though Callie was still the same ol’ wonderful Callie, in those particular therapeutic moments she went beyond the role of a traditional pet, creating connections with perfect strangers, and spreading joy and smiles, which increasingly made our visits that much more special, too. It was heartwarming to witness how Callie, with her infectious enthusiasm and warm companionship, could effortlessly break down barriers and touch the hearts of people she had never met. It was also during these interactions that we would witness how Callie, even if only for a short while, could alleviate the profound sense of loneliness which often plagues those living in such facilities or environments. Even within the lively atmosphere of a nursing home where shared spaces and routines often create a sense of community, loneliness is common and lingers like a silent companion. Despite the bustling surroundings and the company of others, many residents routinely navigate through their own personal struggles that unfold inside its walls. The residence my mother-in-law lived in was no exception. But, one day, amid these silent battles, a tail of transformation quietly unfolded. Callie came to visit! Lo and behold the place came alive! It was evident that Callie possessed a remarkable gift for brightening people's faces with joy! There was one woman, in particular, who absolutely lit up whenever she saw Callie. Although sharing the same room as my mother-in-law, she seldom engaged with her or others. A profound loneliness hung heavily around her. Before Callie's visits, her days were spent gazing at a photograph of her late husband, lost in memories of happier times. That is...until Callie came to visit! In those moments, the atmosphere changed. Dramatically! It was as if she had been freed from the grips of her depression. This woman found a renewed vitality, talking and petting Callie, enjoying her wags and damp nose nuzzles, not to mention graciously enduring Callie's slobbering drool while sharing moments of joy over carrots and cookies:-). Callie, with her infectious enthusiasm- and appetite- suddenly became a beacon of light in this woman's life, simultaneously transforming the ordinary into the extraordinary in the heart of the nursing home. It was beautiful! Even my mother-in-law noticed the change, observing how this woman became more personable and talkative both during and after Callie's visits. Callie, my love bug, spreading smiles with every wag! Such is the enduring power of connection... even if shaped by the simplicity of a dog's presence or genuine companionship. As both my mother-in-law and her roommate passed away during the pandemic, we no longer visit with Callie. However, the memories we have of our visits remind us about how therapy for our mental health can come through pets. Pets have an innate ability to bring joy into our lives. Callie certainly does. Their playful antics, amusing behaviours, and unconditional love can turn even the gloomiest days into moments of laughter and delight. Beyond emotional support, pets also play a pivotal role in promoting physical well-being. The daily walks, playful activities, and interactive games with our pets encourage us to exercise regularly, contributing to a healthier lifestyle, too. This not only benefits our physical health but also stimulates the release of endorphins, the body's natural mood enhancers. So, today, as we engage in conversations surrounding mental health during Bell Let's Talk, let's not overlook or underestimate the profound impact that our furry friends can have on our mental well-being and those around us. In the simplest of gestures, like a wagging tail or a wet nose nudge, lies the potential to alleviate loneliness and bring unexpected joy. Callie's visits to the nursing home aren't just about a dog and its admirers; they represent the enduring power of love and connection, reminding us that, sometimes, the most profound therapy comes from a warm gaze with four furry paws. Aaah, Christmas—an enchanting time painted as the epitome of joy and camaraderie, a picture-perfect season filled with vibrant lights, cheerful carols, the promise of togetherness and a holly-jolly good time--Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! It is hard to escape, really, as the commercial aspect alone, with its emphasis on gifts, decorations, and festive advertisements alludes to the belief that everyone should be happy during this time. Yet, the reality is that within these folds of anticipated merriment, a stark contrast exists for many—an undercurrent of poignant sorrow, an ache of loneliness and emptiness, and most often a longing for what once was: perhaps the presence of loved ones now absent from the familiar festive table, or the kinship of family and friends once so inseparable currently drifted apart; romantic relationships emotionally disintegrated or regrettably dissolved; or quite simply, a craving or deep yearning for the unspoiled grace and tranquility of the “good ol’ days”. For many people, whether fresh or deeply ingrained, a bittersweet nostalgia has a profound way of casting a shadow over what is meant to be the most “wonderful time of the year” . "Christmas isn't a season. It's a feeling." - Edna Ferber The challenge lies in reconciling these divergent worlds- the pressure to exude festive glee while carrying the weight of personal heartache. No merry walk in the park that’s for sure! Not only can this struggle to maintain a happy facade while wrestling with inner pain be emotionally exhausting, but it can also be profoundly isolating, amplifying the sense of solitude and disconnect during a season meant for love and shared joy. In guiding individuals through this struggle, I often emphasize that this subtle interplay between societal expectations and authentic feelings is embedded in life…throughout our lives. Think about it: from the earliest days of childhood, we're nudged to conform, to present a persona that aligns with societal norms. "Be good, be polite, smile even when you're sad…Be Happy!” These societal expectations often clash with our true emotions. This dance continues into adulthood. We learn to navigate the pressures to fit in and to project happiness even when our hearts feel heavy with pain. So, this struggle, this balance between the expected and the real, isn't just a seasonal thing—it's pretty much woven into the emotional fabric of our lives. Acknowledging genuine emotions, especially in moments of grief or loss, marks the initial step towards healing. Not only is it an opportunity to redefine our relationship with ourselves and the world around us, but it is only through embracing our vulnerabilities that we uncover the depths of our resilience. Sitting through our discomfort and trudging through our struggles is the way through pain. The following self-awareness exercise is designed to help explore the intricate blend of emotions you may be experiencing during this holiday season, aiming to navigate the delicate balance between societal expectations and personal sentiments (between what we feel obliged to portray and our genuine feelings). Recognizing and embracing these feelings can significantly enhance the authenticity and fulfillment of your holiday experience. Exercise: Unwrapping The Ghosts of Xmas Past Consider keeping a journal dedicated to your reflections during this holiday season. Writing down your thoughts, emotions, and the insights gained from this exercise can be a powerful way to track your emotional journey. Use this space to explore your feelings, triggers, as well as your coping strategies. Journaling offers a valuable outlet for processing emotions and can serve as a helpful tool in managing your feelings.
Wishing you Peace and Love this holiday season, Lydia. Embracing Pleasure Begins by Honouring Consent
Discussing sexual pleasure openly not only empowers individuals to advocate for their desires and preferences but also cultivates more trusting, respectful and fulfilling experiences together. When partners have a shared understanding of each other's boundaries and preferences, the focus shifts toward mutual pleasure where they can better cater to each other's needs, leading to a more pleasurable and fulfilling encounter. Honest conversations about sex also challenge societal norms and stigma (especially pre-conceived notions of what sex should look like that often induce shame around sexuality) paving the way for emotional intimacy- allowing partners to connect on a deeper and more confident level. In essence, consent requires us to get vulnerable before we get naked and when we do, it can really form the foundation for shared pleasure and connection. A Christmas Eve in a Concentration Camp, penned by my dad in 1944. Translated by me. My father spent time as a political prisoner in three different concentration camps. Melk was an annexe camp of Mauthausen in Austria. For all of his short life he espoused and advocated freedom, faith and forgiveness. For the past two weeks all the camp inmates could think about was Christmas. As the holiday grew closer, the mood deepened and intensified. Two concerns highlighted the hushed conversations among the group of prisoners while they worked: will we get some time off during the holidays? Will they give us better food to eat? And, if they do, what food will they feed us and how much will we get? Rest and “food”…that’s what anyone really cared about. There were those who fondly remembered and spoke about the ‘good old days’, recalling fat and warm Christmas Eves spent in freedom. Food, drinks, sweets, cigarettes, fine clothes, and lounging around dominated their conversations. In no time, however, the desperate men succumbed to their deeper feelings of dashed hopes and dreams, angering one another with their cursing and swearing. For a moment their spirits remained free, drawing strength and nourishment from memories of happier times and fully-laden tables. 'Oh may they all not wait too long for the perfect Christmas Eve to come' As I contemplated the meaning of Christmas through a prisoner’s -a *häftling’s- eyes, wistful images reminiscent of *Andriolli’s flair for indulgence and carefreeness in contrast to *Grottger’s bottomless misery and despair, I thought about the possibility of creating a new Christmas in a German concentration camp…an expression of a new reality of a new time with new people. I entered into a silent alliance with block leader No. 3: Franz Sikorski. “Ok”, the “ruler and master” of block 3 snapped back: “Fine, make your own Christmas Eve!” The content for the evening's celebration was born during a train ride between *Melk -*Loosdorf. Even after a heavy day of labour, already a new mood seemed to permeate the group of passengers. I was also able to gather a few more Polish prisoners from the *”Negrelli" commando. Rehearsals began... The repertoire of Christmas carols was ready. Christmas Eve had finally arrived. We finished work at 2 o’clock that day. Back at Block 3, in a long corridor on the third floor, there appeared to be a large group of prisoners immersed in curious conversations. At the top of the stair flight I see a small, modestly decorated Christmas tree. It’s 7 o’clock in the evening. The assembly of inmates shuffle in. Camp stripes fill the corridor. Roll-call formation. They line up in groups of five, evenly spaced, row by row, filling any gaps between them. Shiny “highway strips" can be seen on their shorn heads under the bright ceiling lamps. Silent whispers. Many skeptical glances. We all wait for the “fürher” …and the order. The proud beast enters the barracks. In the corridor, 54 prisoners stand in frozen stillness. Franz Sikorski reads us the daily report, ending with: “Today is Christmas Eve. Although I personally don't believe in all of this, maybe there is something in it. I want there to be order. Don't give me a reason to have to punish someone at this time. My mother was Polish. I remember that on Christmas Eve her family always sang Christmas carols at home. And we will do it today here in the gulag. Let everyone sing. It must be cheerful.” The Christmas tree glows brilliantly with electric lights attached to its branches. A group of Frenchmen step forward in front of all the prisoners of the third block. They sing carols in their own language. A church melody sounds strangely tender. Applause. Then the Italians sing. The chorus is dominated by beautiful singing. Bel canto. It seems as though angel voices are falling upon us from beneath the ceiling of a cathedral. The Christmas spirit is growing. The Greeks follow.… an odd-sounding tone of words. No one understands them. And now the Poles! I go out with my group. My heart is in my throat… We begin with “God is born!” Inconspicuously, I look over at Franz’s face and see the gleam in his eyes. An odd grimace of a smile. His eyes seem turned outward, as if lost in thought, very, very far away from this place. A thunderous applause. The singing continues: “When Christ is Born”, "Hush Little Jesus”, “Silent Night.” Polish carols. Polish words. These Polish melodies tug at our heartstrings. A new reality. Applause! Applause! Applause! The prisoners are beaming with Joy. In this gulag, in this circle of Satan, Christ is born. A small light found in the darkest of places. But it does not end here. There's more. We sing carols arranged especially for the vengeful Franz (after all, sometimes it is good to throw some flimsy bone to a dog that always wants to bite). We sing the song - "He lies in the manger". At our gulag there is another blockleader, who comes from Trzemeszno. So we sing him a song, too: “When Jesus is born”. Franz can't believe his ears because he knows this blockführer has beaten so many men to a pulp!! Human beings… blood, love, striped pyjamas, forgiveness, howling pain, broken clubs, bloody chair legs, songs, crime, starvation, suffering, death, hatred... and the choir continues to sing... a Christmas carol for him. Caged within the walls of this Nazi prison and execution building, on a peaceful December night, a Polish victory song suddenly arises: “Our entire country will stand The *Piast stronghold will stand The White Eagle will prevail The Polish people will prevail!” The patriotic mood is shared by Franz as well. He also sings about the victory of the White Eagle. Unbelievable! All the Poles are singing now. The amiable Stasiek Lechowski sings, the limestone labourer Stasiu Niebudek sings, the old, owl-faced Aleks Mikołajczyk sings, the handsome Janek Wiśniewski, and the unforgettable Jurek Wojciechowski,...they all sing too. Everyone sings! The spirit of a new Christmas Eve now reigns over the holidays. We feel good. Photo credit: “One Spring” — Gurs Camp, 1941 — By Karl Robert Bodek and Kurt Conrad Löw — Watercolor, India Ink, and Pencil on Paper — 14.4 x 10.3 cm — Collection of the Yad Vashem Art Museum, Jerusalem — The World Holocaust Remembrance Center *häftling: German for prisoner. The name häftling not only declares one's imprisonment in the Lager, but also signifies how their former identity as an individual, as a human being, has been overridden by their status as a prisoner. *Andriolli: Michał Elwiro Andriolli was a Polish illustrator, painter and architect of Italian descent. He is notable for his illustrations to Mickiewicz's Pan Tadeusz. *Grottger:Artur Grottger was a painter and draughtsman representative of late romanticism who worked in Vienna and Lviv. *Melk-Loosdorf: prisoners work consisted primarily of digging an underground tunnel complex in the Wachberg hill which is situated between Melk and Loosdorf. https://www.melk-memorial.org/en/history *Nigrelli- one of the building companies hired out by the SS camp direction. *Piast: The period of rule by the Piast dynasty between the 10th and 14th centuries is the first major stage of the history of the Polish state. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_Poland_during_the_Piast_dynasty by Lydia Waruszynski, M.Ed There’s an old saying, “all’s fair in love and war”, and basically the meaning behind it is that in some type of situations, anything or everything can be justified whether you are going after the person you love, or waging war on your enemies; that, in both matters of combat and the heart, self-interest reigns and people rarely follow rules of fair play. In other words, in both love and war, any kind of behaviour is permissible in order to get what you want, any method of achieving your objective is justifiable. So what if someone else gets hurt? Well, when it comes to war, Vladimir Putin has certainly proven that. Lying, cheating, bullying, bribing, manipulating facts, violating international law…all part of his cold and calculated ambition to get what he wants, to be seen as a famous historical figure and to “make Russia great again”; all ruthless stratagem consistent with his character and credo: everything it takes to win the war. How quickly the unforgettable becomes the unimaginable Millions of people have fled Ukraine since Russia began its invasion. Thousands have already died. Ever since Putin’s war broke out, I cannot help but think about how one person’s power and self-serving interest has recklessly destroyed countless innocent lives, breaking the hearts and homes of so many, while spawning the largest humanitarian crisis Europe has seen in decades. I cannot help but think about how the rest of the world could have listened a bit more closely and acted a lot more sooner. And, how we all now helplessly watch from a distance as the UN, G7, EU, and NATO continue to condemn Russian actions and support Ukrainian forces. Haven’t we learned anything from previous wars and crimes against humanity? Will ratcheting up sanctions really deter Putin from winning his war? This is, after all, a president who has maintained, time and again, that Ukraine is not a country and that its citizens are really Russians, or what he would like to believe, his “master race”. Decimating cities into forced displacements, shooting civilians, shelling children, sexual violence, mass graves…and like every man-made war from time immemorial, we somehow continue to witness the same barbaric, disturbing parallels. How horrifying and utterly sad. I ask myself: How can this even be happening? How can the world watch yet another despot, another genocide? Will we ever live in a world without war? How, as human beings, do we continue to confront the lessons of history, yet seem condemned to repeat them, again and again? The trauma of injustice It seems like forever ago since I watched a video of a Ukrainian man bidding his young daughter a tearful goodbye before he dutifully boarded a train to join the military fight, ready to defend freedom and his homeland, not knowing if or when he would return. Under martial law men are expected to fight and help out with the war effort. To watch this heart-wrenching bravado of “keep calm and carry on!” go to pieces as father and daughter succumb to their suffering and crumble into each other’s crying arms…well, I can’t even begin to imagine all the broken children who now find themselves desperately afraid and alone, having to learn to deal with the trauma of what happened to their parents, families, communities and homeland: nightmares, flashbacks, sleeplessness, terror, anger, anxiety, mistrust, fearfulness… lingering ravages of war, just to name a few. One can only imagine the brutal reality behind all the good people now forced to do bad things in the name of battle and survival. Oh my, how the war wounds run deep! I cannot believe how quickly everything has changed for the people in Ukraine. Just think, only three months ago their lives were basically as everyday as yours or mine. It’s scary how suddenly life can be thrown into turmoil! While I work from the comfort of my home helping couples demystify love and war in their ordinary day-to-day intimate relationships, I cannot help but be reminded of all the difficult challenges and harsh circumstances Ukrainian couples routinely face, and how immensely shattered they must feel by this very cruel, selfish and senseless war. I can’t help but let my mind wander to those couples deeply in love and now forced apart, with still so much left to be said and lived, and time unjustly ticking away. And what of those couples whose last conversations were marked by conflict and regret, with no opportunity to rekindle or repair? Even if many do find a way back into each other’s arms, I picture how PTSD will clearly create problems with trust and communication, even go on to sabotage or destroy a great number of these relationships. I think about all these couples and what they are up against: the trauma of a prolonged war in addition to their own personal versions of battle and failed peace talks, not to mention sagging spirits, and a longing for a life that no longer exists or will never be the same. Etched in my mind forever will be the women and children, the family pets and the elderly, fleeing for safety in what has become the largest exodus and forced migration in Europe, ever. Even more remarkable are the many acts of kindness from the people of Poland and other border crossings, including Canada’s proactive and warm response to helping refugees feel at home in their new country. On the other hand, it’s difficult to imagine that although a war is raging in Ukraine, not everyone has left and that some have decided to stay put, no matter what. I shudder at the thought of all the helpless people and animals who wanted to but had no choice or were unable to flee. I wonder who will take care of all the forgotten ones, already far too many who continue to find themselves very alone and bereft of support. And what about all the Russians, including soldiers, who have no sympathy for Putin and feel anxious and distressed and strongly oppose this war? What about the truth on the other side of the line? Patriotism often blinds people during insecure times. What’s truly unfortunate, however, is that amid the heartache and the bloodshed, exists the tragedy of two countries with many ties to family and history, and the sinister way they are now being torn apart. For many, this war will never be over, if only in the minds of those who suffered it. All because of one man. And his ambition to own more lines on a map. As Putin continues to throw Ukraine into chaos, I meditate on how everyone feels separated by war and united in fear, and how domination is the seed of so much suffering in the world. Even with his weapons of mass destruction, I wonder if Putin knows that, in the end, no one ever really wins a war. It’s Valentine’s day…so let’s talk about love, shall we:-)
One of the best books I have ever read about loving well is called The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. Written almost seventy years ago, the premise still holds true today: “as with every art, love demands practice and concentration, as well as genuine insight and understanding.” In other words, love is a skill. And because we live in a society where the cultural mythology still casts love as something that happens to us, especially something magical we “fall into”, our failure to recognize this skillfulness aspect is perhaps the primary reason why love is so often laced with frustration and disappointment. However, skillfulness doesn’t mean “Not meant to be”. This is one of the most destructive beliefs about relationships: the assumption that we love instinctually. Every relationship takes an effort to keep it healthy and strong. We choose to love. Actually, a no-effort relationship is not a great relationship, and most-likely feels like a “two ships passing in the night” type of relationship... often very lonely, and without lasting significance. Lest we forget, the quality of our lives depends on the quality we put into our relationships. Putting effort in a relationship basically means making space in your heart for someone else:
The true art of loving is never passive. It is curious and creative. It is willful and intentional. It is imbued with responsibility. Love is a verb. To love is:
And to meet each other halfway. Happy Valentine's Day, Lydia I know that many of us were hoping to make this holiday season feel that much more wonderful, to push through the overwhelming feelings caused by the pandemic-fuelled fatigue, to finally usher-in more festive feelings and make beautiful memories with all of our loved ones well into the new year and beyond. Yet here we are again: another resurgence and reminder that the pandemic is far from over. Another dashed Christmas, season of gatherings and festivities with family and friends. And just when we had a flitting taste of how nice it felt to get out and about: back to work, school, restaurants, travel and friends! After all, to want to get on with our lives is normal! Yet here we are, forced to retreat once more, and so many of us are finding it tough to see the light. Just when we thought we were somewhat done with uncertainty, this new variant now casts its shadow with its unprecedented community spread, blurring our resilience in its wake. Surprise! Particularly at a time in history when people are already feeling more anxious than before. And, in spite of it being “the most wonderful time of the year”, the mere thought of reaching out to friends leaves many of us feeling blah, unmotivated and fed up. Tell me, are we “languishing” yet? After living in a pandemic for so long, our morale is indeed low. Recovery feels difficult. I often think of the healthcare workers trying to function under this unrelenting strain…omg, how do they even do it? Under normal circumstances, the holidays can be a stressful time. Today, even more-so for those who are also feeling financially-squeezed or tapped out. Like many attest, we have been locked down, smacked down and batted around. And as the pandemic marches into its third year, practicing self care feels somewhat morally suspect - closer to a comfortable betrayal by now. I’ll have another glass of wine instead, thank you:-) Mourning our bygone lives and living in prolonged uncertainty with no end in sight will do that to a human being. Without a doubt, things can be a million times worse but feeling this way is normal. We are lonely and tired and many of us are grieving. So, please know that you are not alone. It’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently. Sometimes anger is grief. Sometimes quiet is grief. It’s okay to feel defeated or sad or exhausted sometimes. To have trouble concentrating. To go through the motions. To not be productive. To find it difficult to keep our chins up, keep calm and carry on. To mourn or “just be” is truly okay. As long as it’s some of the time and not all of the time. Whatever you do, don’t tumble down a dark rabbit hole…that’s unless you stumble while running wild and free in the woods, enjoying your daily exercise with Mother Nature- this alone can help reduce stress and ward-off depression. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not feeling festive but do pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Recognizing how you are feeling can help you emerge from the pandemic abyss. Creating a safe space for those feelings even more-so. Reaching out to supportive people can help us tell our stories, even reframe things in a more positive way; to put things in perspective, and even find solace through others, knowing they are feeling the same way. In essence, Hope is about knowing that we are not totally alone. Let’s always keep this in mind. By reaching out, we can connect more compassionately on our sense of collective grief. And, there’s always tangible hope in that. Wishing you Peace* Hope* Love this holiday season, Lydia I’ve been offering relationship workshops for over 25 years now. And, may I say it’s been very rewarding! Yes, remarkably so, especially now, during this crazy Covid time we're living in! Who knew couples would continue to love their experience, even if only online? Granted, when life returns to pre-pandemic "normal", I know they will enjoy it that much more simply because a) these workshops are held from my home in a very cozy, country setting- offering people a bonding, "in-person" type of opportunity, and may I add, in a house which my husband and I literally built by hand together; and b) where coffee and homemade banana bread, including a nice lunch is always served; and, even more importantly c) where one is most certainly guaranteed to be greeted by at least one burly-but-ever-so-friendly Bernese Mountain Dog!! Now that's hospitality! LOL! But, all joking aside, I know the best part is that people truly enjoy and benefit from their learning experience! My mission has always been to teach about love and relationships... Letstalkaboutlove, right?:-) Whether I'm conducting group workshops or private sessions, we tend to cover a vast variety of topics and themes concerning life, love, sex, parenting, communication, marriage and more! People are genuinely interested and often find themselves interacting at an exceptionally deeper level, too. And, just as we all need to be the architects of our own relationships, these workshops also create the impression that we are collectively building something stronger together: like a united community inspired to get better at relationships! Relationship education. When it comes right down to it, fostering a shared experience is at the heart of relationships, right? After all, it's through hearing others' stories that we can also reflect on our own. And, if truth be told, I get such a kick out of sharing everything I know about life and love (which is largely based on the latest literature, research and scientific studies, as well as my many years of training and work with both individuals and couples) and I must admit I always take immense pleasure whenever I witness knowledge, confidence and competence bloom in the room. Woohoo! I so loooooove when this happens! Yes, I am truly honoured when, at the end of our day, someone tells me they found their time to be not only fun and interesting...but that they also learned much much more than they had ever anticipated, not ever quite thinking about relationships or marriage or family life in such a multi-faceted way.. ie., having found a new appreciation for what it genuinely takes to really love someone or just stay connected as a couple today! I frequently hear couples tell me they feel like they’ve participated in a journey of self-knowledge and self-expansion which, appropriately, is at the core of building quality in a relationship together : that in order to sustain an intimate relationship, one must first become a good partner to oneself -warts 'n all- and, that this is what we all need to fundamentally understand and embrace before we ever begin to learn how to communicate our own needs, expectations and desires, let alone continue to thrive in partnership with each other . " At heart, it is self-love which allows us to show up more fully when it comes to love". lw Love is Too Important To Do Badly We can never learn enough about love. The truth of the matter is most of us -unless we’re in the field of relationship education or couple therapy or simply have a voracious appetite for the subject matter - never ever really think about the complexities and nuances underlying loving relationships; or really ever consider what it takes to get to know ourselves and each other better with respect to marriage, family, parenting, couple communication, sex or LOVE. As a matter of fact, when it comes to relationship harmony, each partner generally wants the other to feel and think the same way. And, society is no help, encouraging couples to stay uneducated and let romance guide the way! Most people are unaware of the ways they get triggered by each other, or that their past traumas, experiences and relationships absolutely affect their current one. Most of us don't pay attention to how our defense mechanisms may be pushing a partner away, or realize that anger is usually a response to hurt or fear, an undependable way many of us use to ward off pain. Nor are couples generally aware that there are four types of behaviour that are particularly corrosive in a marriage that - when not managed- can actually predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. Most people do not discern between love and desire, nor fully understand how they play out in intimate relationships or, more specifically, how love and desire can influence the sexual connection between a couple in both a positive and negative way. Most couples don’t know that when it comes to parenthood, we call the first two years of parenting the “post-partum-marital disaster area” because the potential for disconnect is so high between the couple (including infidelity). Yes, who would ever think that the majority of pregnant couples often report marital dissatisfaction once a baby comes along…never quite thinking it could also spell erotic disaster for their relationship! Most people are unaware of the different- yet equally effective - love languages they can use to express love and repair and that differences are perfectly ok! Most are surprised to hear that happy, stable couples have about as many problems as unhappy, unstable couples. Yes, you read that right! Most couples don’t consider that sometimes gender differences in communication play a major role : that for many men, it is the joint activities which act as an important bridge to emotional intimacy and connection (rather than the standard rule of verbal communication women routinely advocate as being the "best", if not the only, way). So, perhaps it’s safe to say that most of us do not really see past our own assumptions or perspectives when it comes to creating and sustaining relationship harmony, right? Often we cannot see the ways we undermine ourselves and our relationships. And, let me stress MOST OF US! The sad truth is that most of us have never been taught about successful relationships, other than the examples shown to us via role models, such as the influence carried over from family or what we expect or rely on to be true- based on what we believe or see around us -especially through media! Yes, indeed, research tells us our perceptions of marriage mostly stem from some mix of romantic comedies, mainstream media, and the example set by our parents, which can leave us with an unrealistic, decidedly negative, and, at best, incomplete picture of what it really means to build a committed, fulfilling relationship. And finally, how many of us actually think about the way our relationships exist in a larger, social, cultural context? Or, how we unwittingly pick up on cues from what is happening around us? This influence alone plays a significant role where our expectations and choices for love and life are concerned. In the end, relationship education is about knowing how to live and love better, and there is always, always much more to learn. Love is a Classroom in the School of life There's a saying: "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure". Probably nowhere more true than with relationship education. To help prepare you for marriage, to help prepare you for parenthood. Mid-life and retirement, too. To prepare you for the inherent challenges which are naturally present in all relationships….to educate you as to how to navigate them in such a way as to learn-grow-and-evolve together. To learn research-based skills that may dramatically improve the intimacy and friendship in your relationship and help you manage conflict in a healthy, positive way. To normalize and not pathologize. To learn how to love more bravely and know that, although uncharted territory can strike fear into many people, chances are pretty good when you and your partner find yourselves on the same page because you want the same thing, namely: a successful and rewarding relationship. Everyone deserves a healthy and happy relationship and I honestly believe we would all do better if we just opened ourselves more to understanding love. We live in a culture where hardly anyone likes to think they can “learn” to be more emotionally healthy and happy in a relationship! Why is that? Think about it for a moment: We need to take drivers-ed in order to learn how to become good drivers, we hire financial consultants to guide us to make better decisions with our money, we hire business coaches, take golf or swimming lessons and the list goes on ...we do so many things in life in order to "know better so as to do better" and yet, still think relationships don’t require the same type of scrutiny. Why is it that we don’t address life skills in the same cost-effective approach when it comes to love, dating, sex, parenting, etc…why isn’t relationship education part of the regular school curriculum…especially seeing we know through the science of child development research that educating children about healthy relationships before the age of 10 is vital, because after this point, attitudes and behaviours become crystallized and resistant to change? I think this fact alone is reason enough to enlist in a relationship class, or more importantly, a parenting workshop…for the sake of the children, our relationship and a happy family life! Unquestionably, love should never be taken for granted. It is a subject we can all learn more about, but only if we choose to look beyond the misguided, typical school of thought: that love is an emotion, or just a feeling rather than an action or a practice. Perhaps if we consciously aligned ourselves more with the perspective that it is through our very acts of love and care towards our loved ones, we are given the opportunity to continue to open our hearts to deeper feelings of love and compassion with one another. Love always needs to be something more than what you say or feel, it needs to be something that you also do! Maybe the lesson here is to learn that when it comes to the school of relational life, "love is more like a verb than a noun", something we mostly do but can also learn well. And when we do, not only will our own lives feel more meaningful—but our relationships will be better, too. |
Hi, I'm Lydia- a modern-day warrior of the heart with a mission to reconcile the mystery and mastery of Love.Archives
February 2024
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