"Cupid, draw back your bow and let your arrow go straight to my lover’s heart for me.”
(Sam Cooke, 1961)
In classical mythology, Cupid, -or more aptly Eros- is considered to be the god of desire and love. The story goes that by piercing hearts with his bow and arrow, he caused mortals to swoon and fall deeply and passionately in love. And, he rarely missed his mark. When it comes to modern day relationships however, many couples fail to intuit their partner’s wishes and often fall flat, facing disappointment in each other’s unmet expectations, instead.
Expectations play a significant role in the health and happiness of our relationships. After all, who doesn’t want to be treated with kindness, love, loyalty and respect? Who doesn’t want to feel loved, yearned for, desired and needed? Consequently, said expectations can also run us into trouble, especially on Valentine’s Day and especially if they don’t meet our exact criteria as to what we hope for in our head. Moreover, this heart-filled holiday usually reminds us how we already love and also feel loved by our significant other. So, for those of us who feel genuinely good about our relationships, maybe the day doesn’t leave us feeling any more pressured to be any more romantic or any more loving. Maybe everything is on target. Maybe everybody walks away satiated and happy. On the other hand, for those of us who feel like we fall short somehow, the dreaded Feb 14th may seem like yet another ignored or missed connection, and not really cracked up to be what it’s supposed to be, leaving us feeling more lonely and wanting, perhaps further eroding our feelings of love for one another, too.
It’s Not Always Roses and Chocolates
For many, Valentine’s Day is considered to be a Hallmark holiday, with candy, flowers and romantic dinners as the expected way of celebrating the day. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of these gestures or gifts, but if we want our partner to feel the love we are trying to communicate, perhaps it’s best we learn to express it in their primary love language, and not ours. As the author of The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman says, “Everyone experiences love differently, and it’s easy to miss the mark when it comes to showing you care, but with a little bit of help, you can learn to identify the root of your conflicts, give and receive love in more meaningful ways, and grow even closer than ever.”
Chapman explains that there are five primary ways we express love in relationships: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving and giving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. What’s fun about knowing our love language is that it can help highlight the basic way we communicate in a relationship as well as help us recognize what we need to do to give and receive pleasure in a way that’s more meaningful, too. By considering the needs and wants of the other person first, and then adjusting our own behaviour -and not the other way around- is what really makes love work. And, this can be a surefire way to finding the key to your partner’s heart.
So, which example of expression of love -or desire- from your partner would make you feel most loved today? And, how about your partner from you?
Words of affirmation: A general or sexy compliment
Acts of Service: A home-cooked meal or satisfying a sexual desire
Gift giving or receiving: Chocolate or sexy underwear
Quality time: Talking together or mindful love-making
Physical touch: A kiss or a sexy massage
Knowing what we want or long for is crucial before knowing how to move forward. Knowing what it takes for your partner to feel loved -even more so! Communicating this with each other helps you not only understand if your expressions of love are different or similar, but it allows you to see whether you are loving your partner in your way or in the way they would like to be loved. At the heart of it, you can also learn to appreciate when your partner is sending you love, even if it’s not what you expect or are used to. You never know…perhaps paying attention to your partner’s love language- to the gestures of affection he or she appreciates- will ultimately help you both hit the bullseye this Valentine’s Day!
If you would like to know more about your love language, take the quiz here https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
by Lydia Waruszynski, M.Ed
A new year offers all of us a fresh start, a blank canvas upon which to draw on our own life experiences . Taking stock of how the last year went -as in what went well and what didn’t go so well- allows us another chance at getting it right…once again. Yes, for most of us, the challenge is mainly in making change stick. It takes a whole lot more than just flipping the calendar. In other words, it takes self-awareness, know-how and the right attitude.
Staying committed to your goals is the first step in getting yourself to where you want to be. In fact, breaking down your resolution into smaller, attainable goals can prove more helpful in staying the course. Too many people give up before they even begin because their ideas are either exaggerated or not well thought-out. This is an important point. A plan of action is definitely required if you are going to go the distance. Focus determines direction. Likewise, considering how you are working toward that special something can make it more tangible. Re-evaluation is often necessary. Going back to the drawing board can help restore faith and sketch the way forward to make a better go of things . Knowing this is key! And also the fact that changing one’s behaviour -especially bad habits- rarely happens overnight. Unhealthy behaviours develop over the course of time, so replacing them with healthier ones requires time. We can only really get better at what we do when we become what we repeat. So, go easy with yourself. You will have occasional lapses. Normal. To err is to be human, after all:-)
And probably nowhere more so than when making changes in your own relationships.
RESOLVE TO BECOME THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE
Most people don’t associate making resolutions with relationships. It’s an interesting oversight given the fact that research consistently reveals that the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships. Oh sure, most people will talk about wanting to find love, or the perfect partner, but rarely does one approach it from the perspective of first looking within- as in improving the relationship one has with oneself. Or, to put it another way: by learning more about how to “become” the right partner, as in self-improvement (to work on oneself for the betterment of the couple), instead. All I can tell you is from where I sit, how you show up for your relationship matters. It matters a lot. Asking yourself, “How Am I Being a Loving Partner? What Am I Giving in Relationship? How Am I Sharing Myself? How Am I Making it More Meaningful? can help you not only take stock of -but also transform- your life in the direction you desire. It’s not just about being more accountable but about getting more authentic with yourself, even risking your true self- “warts-’n-all” so that you may be more aligned to also recognize the same in your partner. It’s easy to expect (even demand) that someone else be attentive, compassionate, faithful, loving, understanding and vulnerable. However, it has an even greater chance at manifesting when first modelled and reflected back. What’s that old saying, “We teach others how to treat us?” So, if you want your partner to be more romantic with you, be more romantic with them. If you want your partner to be more present and listen to you when you speak, focus your full attention on your partner as you listen to them. When all is said and done, we teach people what we will accept or tolerate from them. We set the standards. Hence, in order to change a relationship, you must be willing to change. Resolving to become more of the person you want your partner to be can definitely lead your relationship to a better place. It can also allow you to grow into the best version of yourself.
Below is a Self-Awareness exercise to help you take stock of your own values and ideal relationship.
The Perfect Partner Exercise
Suppose a miracle happened and your partner suddenly turned into your perfect “soul mate”: no faults at all, no annoying habits, always there for you, able to meet your every need, want, and desire .... If that happened, then how would you change? Please take your time to seriously consider this and write your answers below.
What would you stop, start, do more of and less of?
What sort of partner would you try to become? What sort of personal qualities would you develop?
What attitude would you cultivate toward your partner?
How would you speak to him/her when you wanted something?
How would you respond to him/her when they were in pain?
How would you treat him/her when they made a mistake or screwed up?
Is there a gap between the way you’d ideally like to behave as a partner – the values you’d like to live by -- and the way that you actually are behaving?
What is stopping you from living by your values right now?
What do you fear might happen if you did start to live more by your values?
What do you think needs to happen first before you can start living more by your values?
Do you believe your partner should change before you do?
adapted from: © Russ Harris 2009 www.act-with-love.com
For more information as to how to effect change for your own relationships, please visit www.letstalkaboutlove.ca . Effective goal-setting is a skill. Getting the right help to change helps. And whichever area of relationship resolution you choose, remember that commitment paves the way, even if you find yourself starting all over again. Celebrate the small successes and go easy on your setbacks. Resolve to do better. Again and again. Happy 2020 to you!
And that's why we need more than just time to heal all wounds
by Lydia Waruszynski, M.Ed
No matter how much our past remains behind us, it still has a way of slipping into our present. It’s normal that we carry our personal perception of our past experiences with us, especially when it comes to our love relationships. However, sometimes the weight of certain memories can be downright debilitating and feel more like emotional quicksand. When this happens, it usually means you probably avoided or underestimated the significance of the pain you suffered in the past. Unpacking your hurt, fears and triggers while assessing your needs for healing becomes essential in order to be able to move forward more freely and feel like you can take back your life again. Once vulnerabilities are identified and old energy is released, not only are you inspired to move forward or enter relationships with more confidence, it encourages you to grow more authentically, too. Ignored, it remains a surefire way of keeping you stuck in your status quo, blocking the flow of change, and allowing familiarity to repeat in the future.
“How frightening is the past that awaits us”. Antoni Słonimski
Our emotional health is a critical part of well-being. Our feelings are important, whether we think of them as good or bad. In fact, we really need to understand that our feelings provide us with the stories we tell ourselves and what we bring into our intimate relationships. Because we often make assumptions based on our emotional history, we often unconsciously transfer onto our partners what we experienced or felt we were dealt in the past. Too often what happens is we blame each other for what goes wrong in the relationship and fail to see the link between our personal lifelong conflicts and the conflicts in our relationships- between the pain or hurt we carry within ourselves and the pain or hurt we experience as a couple. Emotions are like that: every time we have an experience in the present, we are also experiencing it in the past.
This is why gaining a better awareness of the way relationships and emotions were handled in our family of origin is always a good idea. After all, our family of origin is the first place we learned about love. So, too, our expectations around love. This is where we learned about communication and also about what troubled us about our family dynamics -especially around core issues involving anger, fear and hurt. Exploring our personal history can help us understand what from our painful past may be trickling into the present. Ultimately, through shared conversation, we can stay connected to ourselves while we try to stay connected to each other, and not feel like we are collapsing under some enormous emotional weight whenever we try to communicate. Living in the moment in this way not only helps foster awareness and facilitate choice, it also teaches you what may no longer serve you and, most importantly, the (new) direction you need to take.
Letting go of the past is a process & learning to let go takes practice
All of us are capable of having a loving relationship, but it does take some effort, especially the willingness to be uncomfortable with our feelings. Our vulnerabilities are the fragile feelings usually left over from our painful past, particularly the stuff which keeps us up in the middle of the night and that very few people, if any at all, really know about. However, the only real way of dealing with these type of feelings is to feel them, identify and open up with them. In a relationship, it can mean the difference between being fully heard and seen -and staying grounded in the present in response to your partner- or remaining wounded and walled-off, continuing to be plagued by -and react to events of- your past. It can mean lightening the emotional load by finally realizing that perhaps it’s not the load that breaks us down, rather it’s the way we carry it.
The following is an exercise couples explore in my workshop called Family Matters. Asking each other these questions can help us listen to and acknowledge one another -especially our unique emotional history- creating a bridge between the past and present, between the self and other- and profoundly discover a new truth together… in present time.
My Story+Your Story=Our Story
One of my favourite poems or literary works about love and marriage comes from a prophet by the name of Kahlil Gibran. He writes about the importance of couples coming together in love but not losing sight of who they are individually, and especially their own unique purpose: That people can come together in love and not lay all their expectations at each other’s feet, waiting for them to be fulfilled by the other. In my field we call this differentiation. If truth be known, in our society, we valourize phrases like "I found my soul-mate" or “you complete me” and “my better half” much more than “stand together yet not too near together”. Yet, the latter is a much more healthy option. Why? When we know who we are, and are able to stand on our own two feet, own our own thoughts and feelings and clearly express them to one another- without expressly resorting to hurting each other- not only do we muster up the skill of authenticity, we also pave the road for living a life with more curiosity, meaning and compassion. I believe KG really understood what it meant to be able to add to someone's life and to grow in marriage.
There’s an old proverb that says: “Don’t chase the butterfly, mend your garden and let the butterfly come”.
by Lydia Waruszynski, M.Ed
When couples fight they often don’t realize that they have set up a pattern between them. The pursuer-distancer pattern is the most common conflict or power struggle couples find themselves in. Here’s what it looks like:
Jane: “Why do you always do that?”
John: “Do what?”
Jane: “You ignore me. Everything is more important to you than me.”
John: “No, it’s not.”
Jane: “We need to talk about this. You’re doing it now.”
John: “I don’t see the problem. You’re over-reacting.”
Jane: “No, I’m not!”
John: “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”(S.Horsmon)
In this example Jane is the pursuer and John is the distancer. Jane feels anxious about the distance she feels in her relationship and aims for connection while John feels the pressure, and tries to distract himself from his own anxiety- by pulling away. Although neither one is inherently right or wrong, it’s still a lose-lose situation.
And the worst part is that it can destroy a relationship. Unless both parties see-and understand- the pattern. In order to change your part in the pursuer-distancer dance, you need to first understand the characteristics of each style.
Pursuers tend to:
Distancers tend to:
The Problem is not so much the People- as it is the Pattern
Even in healthy relationships, couples fail to see how entrenched they can become with each other when dealing with relationship stress. And, this is usually because they are too caught up in their own perspectives to even notice each other’s different styles and underlying needs. Many do not recognize their unhealthy relationship habits. Couples often assume the conflict has more to do with their partner, and not the pattern. Likewise, they fail to see how this very belief can lead to even more sabotage in their connection: while both partners attempt to control the interaction to manage their own anxiety (fears of being too separate vs. too close) decreased affection and emotional responsiveness now hems them in even deeper. In fact, feeling vulnerable and alone becomes the very thing fuelling their interactional pattern: pursuing partners feel controlled -and unloved- by their withholding partner while distancing partners feel controlled -and unloved- by their nagging mate. Each person’s position and reaction reinforces the position of the other. A Catch 22.
Knowing Me is Knowing You…aha!
Relationship connection begins by each partner claiming their own moves of the pattern. Discovering who you are in all of your own unique history and extending the same to your partner is the place to begin. So, instead of focusing on what your partner is doing to you, figure out what’s going on inside of you. Mend your own garden. For example, having conversations with the following questions in mind can help you cultivate more compassion and understanding about how your earlier life experiences or upbringing may have affected your current attachment style or pattern with each other:
What was my experience of love and trust as a child? Could I trust my parents were always there for me? Or, did I mostly feel like I had to take care of them? Did I turn to them for protection? Or, did I fear them in some way? Did I feel rejected? Neglected? Abandoned? Smothered with attention? How did my parents show me they loved me? Could I count on them for affection? Hugs? Attention? Did they comfort or soothe me when I needed it? Or did I mostly count on myself, having learned not to expect too much? What was this experience for me like? What, if anything, does this reveal about myself and the way I can get triggered up with you, today?
Emotions or History Reveal the Pattern…and change the course!
We all want a partner who can serve as a source of comfort and security. But shaming or blaming our partner into it rarely works. Wanting change is about making the choice to become a better partner. Goodwill: a win-win situation. Showing up as a supportive partner for each other requires each person examine their own emotional needs first. Pointing the finger at our partner just allows us to get more embroiled in our one-sidedness, pushing us further and further emotionally apart. Finding the source of our pain or suffering, however, may get us more of a conscious response that connects and reassures, ultimately helping us recognize the impact this has on our partner, and the necessity of working toward satisfying both needs: a balance between solitude and connection. Just as with a butterfly, it’s about the power of personal transformation.
When you think about it, our lives are made up of stories. We all walk around with personal narratives related to our experiences with people, places and events. Some stories are happy, some are sad, some are incredible, some are just plain ordinary. Some stories we share, others we store privately. Regardless, stories give us meaning and identity and even help organize and understand our lives.
Some of the best stories -and life lessons- come from our family of origin. Our family of origin is the place we grew up in- the people largely responsible for shaping our beliefs, values, roles and rules as well as guiding our own relationship choices. For better or for worse, it is here where we first learned about love and trust through communication and emotional expression. Sharing our childhood memories, including the painful ones, not only affords us self-reflection but can actually provide us with a sharper lens through which to view love and relationships and even help us evolve to tell a different story, if need be. In marriage and other close relationships, sharing ourselves with each other can nourish the experience of authenticity and intimacy, even help locate the missing pieces to the puzzle of our lives . Healing.
Sometimes the hardest story to tell may be your own but it can also help someone else find their voice
To tell our personal stories requires vulnerability. This is not always easy as genuine vulnerability requires risking disappointment and hurt. Sharing the negative narratives of our lives means entrusting those we invite to listen with our unique fears, insecurities, struggles, and pain. But the payoff can be great! It can mean the difference between sharing what’s happening in your life versus inviting someone into your life. It can reveal the difference between making it known that one is grappling with certain issues and knowing one is supported by someone really wanting to be there for both the struggle and story. And when the story is unique to one but also speaks to the other, you receive the gift of resonance: meaningful connection.
Willingness to stand within our own story -warts and all- takes guts. Allowing our partner to become the steward of our intimate thoughts even more-so. Taking risks on an emotional level helps bring about raw conversations about the things that really matter, enabling us to open to our truth within and to new possibilities, too. Empowerment. And, whenever love speaks and listens vulnerably, you already know you have a true love story.
Breaking Up is Always Hard to Do But in the End It’s Important To Behave in Ways Which Won’t Come Back To Haunt You
Navigating high school romance is never easy. Adolescence is that developmental -and experimental- stage where crushes and romantic love can often seem sporadic or not even last very long. And, while break-ups and broken hearts are difficult at any age when it comes to love, they can be particularly devastating during the turbulent teenage years. After all, there are many intense emotions (and surging hormones) involved as teens try to figure out life for themselves, especially while dating. Feelings can even be more distressing for teenagers because of how they process and handle failed romantic relationships. Knowing how to do so with integrity, however, allows adolescents not only to mature but also to build many important interpersonal skills they will eventually carry into adulthood. It’s part of developing healthy self-esteem and self-worth, and a sexual identity, too.
A problematic trend in the present dating world is called ghosting. And, for the record, not only teenagers do it. Ghosting happens when the person you thought you were dating suddenly stops responding to your calls, emails and texts (or blocks you completely) with no apparent explanation or warning, unilaterally ending the relationship and disappearing into thin air. Poof! Gone! Deleted! The cutoff just happens and the person being ghosted is often left in shock, literally haunted by what happened. Not only is it disrespectful, but also heartless and a cowardly way of ending a relationship and, sadly, becoming more and more commonplace in the digital age.
The only thing worse than saying “I don’t feel the same way”, is not saying anything at all.
Aside from abruptly cutting yourself off from someone who is a threat to your well-being, ending a relationship by ignoring a human being is just plain wrong. Providing a reason and establishing closure is fair and should always be done face-to-face. Accountability. A relationship, no matter how long it lasted, somehow mattered. People matter. And, if you don’t believe that, you are also setting yourself up for failure. How? The very same screen you use to hide behind as an easy way out, (even if you convince yourself it’s more about not hurting someone’s feelings) impedes the social skills required for relationship success: maturity and conversation. Avoiding life’s challenges, conflict or confusion, disappointment, pain and loss only exacerbates uncomfortable situations and the vicissitudes of life that much more. Acknowledging them actually helps build empathy. What many ghosters fail to see is that much of the relationship anxiety they also feel is actually perpetuated by the false sense of security and control they think their device offers. Running away from situations or problems is never a healthy coping skill.
Often the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are the same.
To hear more tips and techniques about good communication skills please go to Love On the Run with Lydia -a relationships podcast at www.letstalkaboutlove.ca
originally written for YA Magazine
Hi, I'm Lydia- a modern-day warrior of the heart with a mission to reconcile the mystery and mastery of Love.