Missed Connections by Lydia W.

I think we can all agree that communication plays a significant role in every aspect of our lives. When it comes to our loving couple relationships, communication is what ties us together: everything from how we look at each other, speak and listen to each other, show up for each other, and make love. Sometimes it’s the most difficult thing to do, yet it’s what makes us feel connected and know that we matter. Communication for connection is the lifeline that sustains us through the highs and lows of long-term partnerships, guiding us through a plethora of emotions and experiences, fostering a sense of trust, and encouraging us to keep turning toward each other and freely share our genuine fears, desires, and vulnerabilities.

Yet, despite its fundamental importance, there are times when communication in our relationships can unknowingly falter. We may find ourselves caught up in the busyness of everyday life, not to mention the drudgery of domesticity, where we often find ourselves going through the motions without truly connecting with our partners. For example, couples may find themselves drifting apart due to the demands of their careers and children, leading to conflicting schedules and limited quality time spent together. When this happens, communication between us becomes more transactional than relational—we communicate to get "the job done," to coordinate schedules, manage household tasks, or address practical matters. It is in these very perfunctory moments where we risk taking each other for granted, overlooking the deeper emotional connection required to sustain our relationship.

Not to mention, it’s easier said than done to maintain good communication, especially since few of us grow up knowing what that really looks like, particularly when it comes to vulnerability. We often become unintentionally complacent and assume that our partners will always be there for us without actively nurturing the bond between us. This lack of awareness can lead to a gradual erosion not only of emotional intimacy but also of sexual connection, as we drift further apart in both aspects of our relationship and risk languishing in a state of exile from the passion and closeness we once shared.

As we continue to drift apart, the lack of intimacy can become more pronounced. We may stop reaching out to each other, both physically and emotionally, shutting down and growing increasingly resentful. This can create a vicious cycle where we begin to think our partner no longer cares, leading to further withdrawal and disconnection. Instead of seeking solace in each other, we might snake walls around our hearts, protecting ourselves from perceived rejection but also isolating ourselves from potential healing and reconnection. The passion that once brought us together fades, replaced by a lingering sense of loneliness and unfulfilled longing.

So, how can we begin to break this stalemate of disconnect and start to rebuild our connection? Well, we need to willfully and intentionally become curious about our partner and our relationship. We also need to overcome our fear of communicating. By asking open-ended questions that delve into our current thoughts, feelings, and desires, we can begin to discover each other as if anew! This alone can reignite a sense of wonder and appreciation that often fades in long-term relationships. Moreover, if we can both learn to appreciate good speaking and listening skills, without interrupting or judging each other and by using "I" statements, then we stand to build a more solid foundation of trust and safety, which is essential, especially if what we long for is a deeper emotional and sexual connection.



An Exercise (adapted from Esther Perel) to Rebuild Connection:


Intimacy is not a quality or an attribute; it is an experience you have with other people. Sometimes you can even have it with people that you aren’t close with. But in a committed relationship such as marriage, most of us want to know and experience moments of intimacy with our partner. Sometimes we need to redefine the state of our union and what we long for: Questions to ask yourself:

Do you connect?
Do you feel seen by each other?
Do you feel respected by your partner?
Do you feel admired/appreciated by your partner?
Do you feel your partner cares about you in a special way?
Do you raise your children well with your partner?
Do you play well with your partner?
Do you work well with your partner?
Where to Start When You Feel Stuck in Your Relationship

Write a heartfelt letter to your partner, such as: “We’ve been stuck. I’ve noticed it and I think you have too. We’re in a rut and I’m wondering how we got there.” Avoid Attack/Defense Mode Instead of blaming or accusing, reflect with your partner: “We used to be attentive to each other, we used to talk a lot, we used to be curious about each other. We used to play, we used to laugh. Where has it gone? And, I am asking myself that question, too. I know I can get bogged down with life and sometimes not respond to you.”

Use "I" Statements
When expressing your feelings or concerns, use "I" statements to focus on your own experience rather than attributing blame or assuming your partner's intentions. For example:
“I feel disconnected when we don’t spend quality time together.”
“I would like to understand more about what you’re going through.”
“I miss the closeness we used to share and want to work together to rebuild it.”

Whatever you realize about yourself, write it first, then ask your partner:
“What do you think?
What do you see?
What do you think needs to happen for us?”

Talk about “us” as a third entity, something that both of you need to nurture.
Another way to engage in this conversation, related to both love and desire, is to say:
“There’s a lot about me, sexually, that I’ve never had a chance to tell you about and that I want to share with you. This is what I’m thinking, this is what I’ve missed.”
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By integrating these strategies and exercises into your relationship, you can begin to dismantle the walls that have formed and create a pathway back to the passion and closeness you once shared. Try it!