When Love Gets Lost in Translation

Lately, in my work with couples, one thing becomes clear almost immediately: the way one person expresses love is not always the way the other receives it. They are both trying, but they are speaking different dialects of the same language. And when those dialects do not match, love gets lost in translation.

The good news? Once couples start to recognize these differences, something shifts. They begin to see that love may already be present in the relationship; it is just being spoken in a language the other person does not quite hear.

Understanding those differences is one part of what I teach. Another is keeping love alive through curiosity, playfulness, and creativity. These are qualities I come back to with every couple I work with because they turn a language into a living, breathing conversation—and, not to mention, they strengthen what all of us want...connection!

The Five Love Languages

Gary Chapman’s love languages framework offers a useful map for how people give and receive love. According to Chapman, people tend to experience love most strongly through one or two of these five “languages”:

1. Words of Affirmation – Feeling loved through verbal expressions of appreciation, encouragement, or compliments.
2. Acts of Service – Feeling loved when someone helps, supports, or eases your responsibilities.
3. Receiving Gifts – Feeling loved through meaningful, thoughtful gifts and gestures that say “I was thinking of you.”
4. Quality Time – Feeling loved through focused, undivided attention and shared experiences.
5. Physical Touch – Feeling loved through hugs, hand-holding, or intimate closeness.

Most of us love our partners in the language we ourselves speak. It is completely natural, but it is also how two well-meaning people can end up talking past each other for years.

A few examples from the couples I work with:

• One partner cleans the kitchen (Acts of Service) while the other longs to hear, “I appreciate you” (Words of Affirmation).
• One partner brings home thoughtful gifts while the other just wants an uninterrupted evening together (Quality Time).
  

No one is failing. They are just speaking different emotional dialects, and nobody handed them a phrasebook.

Even when you are speaking the right love language, connection requires something more: curiosity, playfulness, and a willingness to keep the conversation fresh. Esther Perel calls it “attention to novelty.” I call it staying genuinely interested in the person across from you—and adding your own creative spark.


Learning Their Dialect

Learning your partner’s love language is not a one-time exercise; it is an ongoing practice. Here’s how to start:

• Observe – Notice the moments when your partner lights up emotionally or seems quietly touched.
• Ask and Listen – Try: “What makes you feel most loved?” Then listen without explaining, defending, or correcting.
• Experiment – Try expressing love in different languages and notice what resonates.
• Check In Regularly – People’s needs evolve. A gesture that worked a year ago may need refreshing today.

Bringing Curiosity, Play, and Creativity

Love languages give us the map, but a map is only useful if you keep exploring. Relationships are always evolving, and love thrives not just through the right gestures but through how we show up when we make them.

• A playful note, an unexpected hug, or a spontaneous act of service can feel far more powerful than predictable ones.
• Moments of curiosity—asking about your partner’s inner world, remembering small details, exploring something new together—build intimacy over time.
• Creativity doesn’t have to be dramatic. Small surprises and thoughtful gestures keep desire alive and remind your partner: I still see you. I’m still paying attention.

A Reflection Exercise for Couples: 

Try this together:

1. Each partner identifies their top two love languages.
2. Share specific examples of what helps you feel loved.
3. For one week, intentionally offer one daily gesture in your partner’s love language.
4. At the end of the week, talk about what felt different, what you noticed, and what you appreciated.

This is not a test. It is a conversation, with curiosity, playfulness, and creativity built right in.



In the end, love is never about perfect gestures; it is about generosity. It is always more about presence than just presents. Think of it as learning your partner’s dialect. Even the tiniest hug, or a sticky note that says, “You rock,” can say, “I see you. I love you.”
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Boom, translation complete! 

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